Fighting The Flab

Tights

OK OK... let me start this off by saying no I have not lost the plot and yes I am still male. I am not saying I prefer women in tights, for that would just be wrong, I am saying however, after getting ready for a fancy dress party I have a new respect for women who wear tights.

Being male obviously in the tights vs stockings battle there is one clear and undisputed winner. Stockings. Sorry girls, but it is true. I don't mind if they are hold ups, but much prefer the full works including suspender belts etc. However, Kerry and Myself, accompanied by the Usual Suspects of Dan English (of 0ddness madness fame) and his better half Kellie (of Kellie's Kards) had planned to go out on Halloween to a fancy dress party (incidentally this didn't happen, see blog post defence against Dan's slander for that story). As happens in all these cases Dan and I were told we were going and that the girls were going to sort our costumes out. Excellent, mainly because I never have 5 minutes to myself and mainly because nothing bores me as much as trying to work out what to go as.
Dan and I were told we were going as Witches and Wizards, then the girls pointed out that Dan and I were going as Witches and the girls as Wizards. OK, I can live with that, not the first time I have dressed up and probably not the last.
As the day approaches Kerry makes me try on the costume, not too bad, black velvet torn hemline dress, fishnet gloves, wig, false eyelashes, false nose etc.. All of this was fine. Then came the point when she handed me some fishnet tights and told me to put them on.
I looked at them, and thought no way, they will never fit, but what the heck in for a penny. I took them out of the packet and looked at them, having seen people put tights on I did not think it would be a problem, I rolled the tights up (as I have seen girls do) and put my foot in them. Standing on one foot I promptly fell over whilst trying to pull the tights up my leg.
I finally regained my balance and a little bit of my dignity, when I had got one leg in the tights. Then I realised I couldn't get the second foot into the tights without having the first pulled down round my ankles.
I pulled the tights back down again and got the second foot in the tights, then promptly fell over again as I basically had tights tying my ankles together. After regaining my feet, I finally got the tights on. They felt a bit weird, but they were on. Well kind of, there was more holes in them than there was supposed to be as I had put my fingers and thumbs through them in about a dozen places during this exercise. So, there I stood, 6'4", skin head in ripped tights and a dress. Not the prettiest sight, although, bless Kerry she did not laugh too much.
I then had to take it all off again, which I managed to do without falling over, but not without ripping the tights and putting yet more holes in them. By the time I was changed back into my usual attire of jeans and a tee shirt, the tights looked like a piece of ripped cloth, and certainly nothing like tights.
So, in the space of getting the tights on and off, they were in bits.
So, yes I now have a new found respect for girls who wear tights. They manage to get them on and off, and pull them up and down at least 2 dozen times on a night out to go to the loo (well Kerry does anyway as she has a bladder the size of a pea) without putting one hole in them! Now that is a skill.

Of course, there is always an easier option... just wear stockings :o) It will keep your man happy and no need to keep removing them!