Fighting The Flab

4th May Food Diary

06:45    Red Bull Sugar free, 2x Hi-Fi Light Cranberry (B)
07:10    Banana
08:45    Red Bull Sugar Free
09:30    Coffee
11:00    Apple
11:45    H2O, Banana
13:00    Lean Ham, Boiled Egg, Sweet Chili Chicken (1.5 Syn), Lettuce, Sweetcorn, Red Pepper, Cucumber, Celery, Potato's
13:30    H2O
17:45    Sweet and Sour Chicken (3.5 Syns) Noodles, Red Onion, Cabbage, Carrots
20:00    Melon, Pineapple, Apple, Strawberry, Raspberry, Blueberry, Blackberry, Meringue (2 Syns), Muller light yogurt cherry,
22:00    250ml Semi skimmed milk (A), Hi-Fi bar (5.5 Syns)

Today's thought.....  "If you're going through hell, keep going." Winston Churchill

1st May Food Diary

06:35 Sugar Free Red Bull
07:09 2x Hi-Fi light bars (B)
07:30 300 ml Dr Pepper Diet
09:20 Muller Light Yogurt Strawberry and Cranberry
11:40 Sugar Free Red Bull, Apple
12:00 Melon, Grapes, Pineapple, Strawberry, Blackberry, Blueberry, Raspberry
13:10 Apple
14:50 Coffee
16:00 4x Ryvita Wholemeal crispbreads (4 Syns), 4x Laughing Cow light triangles (A),
Pickled Onions, Lean Ham, Sweet Chili Chicken (1.5 Syns)
16:10 500ml H2O
18:10 Coffee
20:35 1litre H2O
20:45 Cottage Pie, Butternut Squash, Cauliflower, Carrots
21:30 Melon, Grapes, Pineapple, Strawberry, Blackberry, Blueberry, Raspberry,
Muller Light Yogurt Vanilla, 3 Mini Meringues (3 Syns)

Today was a difficult day on the diet, not for temptation, but for time to stop and eat. So I ate most things on the run and had to wait till late to eat lunch (as I discovered making up crispbreads whilst driving is bad). Having said that, I still did not cheat when I went into the service stations, I still did not feel that hungry at any point and I still made some good food decisions (well, Kerry did, as she prepares everything). All in all this first week has been OK. I'm not going to lie, it hasn't been all roses (in fact no Roses, as chocolates are not allowed) and I have struggled to see how this diet will work for me, but I have not cheated and I have followed it to the gram.

There is 4 of us on this healthy eating kick, Kerry, Dan, Kellie and I and we all got weighed in tonight. All of us lost weight. Dan and I have already managed to turn it into a competition of sorts, friendly of course, but bantering a bit in the weigh in cue etc. (I won this week heehee, but to be fair I had the most to lose).

This week I lost 1 stone and 3.5 lbs (remember the .5, its important!) which equates to 17.5 lbs (for the Americans) and 7.94 Kilos (for the Europeans). A massive loss. None of which I could have done without the support of everyone, especially Kerry as she plans all our food (and works full time, and looks after the children, and looks after me, and had laser eye surgery this week!) and she is my super woman.

How do I feel mentally? Hmmm, I expected the big loss, and to be fair if I had not achieved it I would have had the right hump, however, I did not expect that much. I was pleased when they told me, very pleased, however I know next weeks will not be as big. I am under no illusions with dieting, have been there too long and done too many stupid things to my body. I know how my body acts and reacts to foods, training etc. Everyone keeps telling me its amazing that I can lose weight so fast, I am not sure everyone appreciates the hard work that goes into it. Comments are made along the lines of its easy for you it falls of you, you lose weight so fast, and you have done it before. None of these are particularly motivational, in fact some of them are hurtful in a weird way. I still smile and respond with a positive. I seem to be in a good place emotionally, certainly I am ready for the next week ahead.

Today's thought... You'll be amazed at what you can do and how well you can do it.

27 April Food Diary

06:00    Apple
06:45    Black Coffee and Sweetener
07:30    2x Bacon 2x Eggs, Baked Beans and Mushrooms
07:45    Black Coffee and Sweeter
09:00    750ml H2O
09:30    Apple
11:40    2x Hi-Fi light bars (B)
12:00    Banana
12:35    Apple
12:55    Lemsip (0.5 Syns) 1 sugar (1 Syn)
13:10    Lean Ham, 2 x Eggs, Lettuce, Cucumber, Red Onion 
               and Low Fat Cesar Salad Dressing
15:50    Lemsip (0.5 Syns) and Black Coffee
17:45    500ml H2O
17:50    Quorn, Baby Sweetcorn, Mange Tout, Water Chestnuts, Chilli's, Carrots, Ginger 
               and Cabbage
20:30    Pineapple, Blackberry's, Strawberry's, Apple, Muller Light Cherry, 
                3 Mini Meringues (3 Syns) and 30g Cheddar (A)

Not such a great day today, diet went OK but I am beginning to feel ill, it is probably just a cold, but I hate not being able to breath, so all in all an OK day.

On a much better note Kerry and I did about 45 minutes training with the pads and gloves last night. It was great being able to help Kerry learn to punch properly, she had a couple of combinations down and even started kicking as well! I think Kerry really wanted to punch me as she was getting carried away with the training. When Kerry held the pads for me it was interesting, trying to teach her how to hold pads and punch them at the same time, as well as trying not to hurt her.... but we managed it and both of us were knackered and out of breath by the end of it.

Thought for today... There is no starting or stopping - only doing.

For those that have followed me since 2007, you will know I have been through some massive ups and downs. One of the biggest downs was when the Dr told me I would be dead within 3 years if I did not sort my life out. This was the single event that triggered my weight loss. Nothing like facing your own mortality at 29 years of age. I was started on the Lipotrim diet by the Dr and was under the hospital. Weekly weigh-ins and weekly supplies of shakes (the Lipotrim diet is a meal replacement system) followed for a while and I lost about 5 or 6 stone straight away. The down side was how ill I felt, it would come and go, but it felt like I had flu for a long time. I passed out in the bathroom one day which gave me a shock; I badly bruised my ribs, neck and smashed my head on the toilet. I don’t know how long I was out for, but it was a while. That spelt the end of the Lipotrim diet for me. One of my clients at the time ran a diet company (The Diet Plate) and I switched onto this system. Now I am naturally sceptical and I scoffed at how a system which was as simple as this would work, but work it did and I carried on losing weight.

During this time I started kick boxing again and this culminated in being able to represent England at the WKC world championships in 2009. It was a good time in my life; I looked good, felt good and was amazingly fit. Now don’t get me wrong, the next 3 years of my life have been and continue to be amazing, I have met Kerry, have an amazing family, a good job which I enjoy and an amazing lifestyle. However, the stopping training, and the amazing lifestyle (fine dinning, staying at top hotels and eating at top restaurants, the hectic family life and working on the road) have taken there toll on my body. I have been unhappy with myself for some time as I have slowly been gaining weight. I am now (as of last night) back up to 30 stone 8 lbs. I am not sure how I feel about this really; I mean I have noticed for some time now that I have fallen back into ‘fat people’ habits. Eating over the sink, snacking, grazing all day long, playing the services game whilst on the road etc. These have all sneaked back into my life.

I have also noticed people’s reaction to myself, the snide comments, the pointing and laughing from youngsters. This has made me feel terrible, I have been here before. It hurts, the thing I feel worse about, more than anything else is Kerry wanted to go to Ireland for a weekend in August for a birthday treat, but I can not fit into the airline seats… So we can’t go. Yes I know there are other ways of getting to Ireland, and I am looking into them and I am sure we will get there, but the fear of having to try and get on an aeroplane whilst at this size struck a cord that won’t go away.

There is also something new I am facing this time around, and this is not something I have discussed or mentioned too many people. When I was big before, the weight had come on over a period of time, years in fact, but I had remained active. I fell into a group the Dr laughing referred to as very fit fat people. This time around though, the weight has come on so fast my body has not kept up with it. What I mean by this is I am now a different shape, I carry most of my weight around my torso, but I am inactive and my muscles have not kept up with the weight gain. What this actually means is that now I am in constant pain. My back hurts like never before, some small amount of ‘bone’ pain but mostly muscular pain, that sometimes goes into spasm and makes it very hard to move. My thighs and calves hurt like never before, and what I believe is happening is that my muscles are constantly straining and tearing to move my bulk around, which again means it is very difficult to move or do any exercise. The point being proved by playing in a charity football match against my son’s football team which left me in now small amount of agony for 3 weeks afterwards, even now I am still in pain. Certain things that we take for granted as every day things are proving harder and harder to do. I am not sleeping properly (nothing to do with the baby, honest) and even laying down I remain in pain, and I have started snoring. I find it hard to stay awake during the day and I am beginning to suspect I am suffering from a mild case of sleep apnoea, but I hope not.

So, that is where I am physically, where am I mentally and how do I feel about all of this? This is one of the hardest blog posts I have ever written, so please bear with me. I am afraid; I am scared that I won’t ever be able to get back to where I was. I am terrified that I won’t be able to stop the weight gain, or lose weight. I am struggling with motivation even now and even after admitting to myself and others about the situation I am in.

I don’t like myself indeed that is an understatement. I loath myself, I hate the person that looks back at me in the mirror, does this make me change something? No, it makes me eat more. Can I do what I did last time? I really don’t know. I have a family now; I only managed to lose weight last time by having a house that quite literally had no food in it at all, that is not possible now. Its like an addiction, I associate good and bad memories with food, if I get stressed I eat, if I am happy I eat more, if I am sad I eat.

I hate myself for it. I rationalise what I do to myself, to a degree anyway. I sneak food and eat in secret at times. I have even bought sweets in one shop then driven to another shop and bought more sweets so people don’t look at me and think no wonder he is gross, look at what he is eating. I mean they might not think like that, but in my head they do. I sometimes think Kerry and the kids would be better served with someone else in there life rather than a partner and father who is this big, sometimes I wonder if it is worth carrying on at all, don’t worry I am not suicidal, but I would be lying if I did not admit to that feeling being there from time to time, especially when I lie and make excuses to the children for not doing something.

So that is where I am at right now… I hate myself, I loathe what I have become, I am terrified, but I have started a journey.

I have started at slimming world now (well as of last night) and I am trying to do something. I am going to use this blog for what it was originally set up, which is to record my fight against the flab. I have pondered on the idea of trying to place a bet on losing weight but know very little about betting or if anyone would take such a bet.

All comments are welcome and encouraged, all I ask is you bear in mind I am a real human being with feelings and I am trying to be open and honest.


(Posted by James, FIXED AGAIN by Dan...)

Well, this is not bad, its only Tuesday and I am writing!!! Maybe I can get back into the habbit of this blog thing.....
So today is tuesday, I trained at Evade this morning for 70 minutes, with Lee Price. A good session, working the bags and running. The shoulder stood up to the test (which when using 24 ounce gloves is no mean feat!!) although I did use Muay cream on it before and after training. My fitness level was slightly more worrying as I ended up gased very quickly, but it was hot and I was dehydrated slightly.
Having taken stock yesterday and today about where I want to be and what I want to do, I have decided to stop smoking, as of this morning, well last ciggarette was 10pm last night, so 15 hours in and so far I havent killed anyone :) Which must be a good thing. I will use this blog to keep you abreast of how I get on, warts and all...
Right so back to the diet....
This morning I had porridge, for those wondering I used The Diet Plate Bowl (its so easy, fill the bowl with dry porridge up to the red band, pour on 1/4 pint of semi skinned milk, heat in the microwave, and there you go 200 calorie serving!!) I then went training and then on to work. I didnt have time to prepare a sandwich for lunch so I had another serving of porridge, as lunch is allowed to be higher in calories I filled it up to the yellow line and then used 1/4 pint of milk. This worked out at just under 400 calories which is about right for lunch.
So onto the evening meal, which tonight as it is very warm, is going to be a chicken salad. I am looking forward to it. I am going to have chicken and an egg (which fits into the protein section of The Diet Plate), with croutons and new potatoes (these fit into the carb section of The Diet Plate) then I will have lettuce, radishes, cucumber, spring onion and pickled onions to fill the rest of the plate up.....
Dam I have made myself feel hungry..... Oh well.....

Hope to see you all tomorrow....

Stay Safe